…Moving past the lies to remember YOUR truth…
Do you love scary movies? Not Me; Hell No!! I can’t even watch them because they give me nightmares. I don’t get regular nightmares either, nope, I get to recreate the movies’ plot in my dreams with my loved ones and me as the characters. That’s no fun for me!
I’ve struggled with my dreams a lot of my life, and because of that, I am kinda protective over what I expose myself to when watching TV. The bad stuff burns more quickly into my brain, but even the funny shows do when I binge watch too long. In my “better” dreams/reenactments, I have needed to eat murder victims brains to be able to find their killers (iZombi). I have lived in Schitt’s Creek, and I was even a cop on the Miami Vice police force (yes, the old Miami Vice lol).
For me, things that repeat themselves or disturb me emotionally show up in my dreams. I pay attention to my dreams, to me my dreams are an indicator of something needing adjustment or they are a message. It might be that I need to stop watching something, pay more attention to something else, or move forward on a project, but none the less, I pay attention. I also use what I know about myself to more positively affect my unconscious mind as well.
But, what about the things that haunt you that you can’t stop exposing yourself too? I am talking about your past experiences, mistakes and your fears.
At times, I am pretty hard on myself. I get caught up in my head; my head trash gets persistent and loves to remind me of my “flaws & mistakes.” The head trash wants to stop me from doing anything that could cause any possible pain. My head trash is not a good judge of what is safe and what is not safe. I did name my head trash because I tell it off at times which does help. My head trash is a shitty judge of just about everything and anything. This is a terrible cycle when I get caught up in it. Even though I have practiced meditation for a long time and the knowledge to stop this cycle, it can still take me time to realize that I am in one, which will delay me from quickly getting out of it.
Fear of failure, doubt of my self-worth, imposter syndrome and all those not so fun things come flooding in. “If you fail then everyone will know you’re really nothing but a loser; be safe, don’t change, don’t do anything, hold still and then all the possible bad stuff will miss you so you will stay safe.” Next thing you know, I end up in my standard go-to fear, “fear of being a broke and homeless mom, living in my car due to my lack of whatever I am wigging out over…”. Yep, it goes THAT fast for me when I don’t stop it.
I have done a lot of personal work because of my significant past, I have more skills than most people, and yet I STILL have head trash. Uggggg, SO NOT fair! I have survived a lot; however, I am the hardest person to myself. I HATE to make mistakes; I hate the idea of making a mistake more than anything else. When I’m in head trash mode, it’s easy to see all the things I wish I would have done differently and I can see why I am not where I really “should” be. Then the possibility of making a future mistake can get paralyzing.
I use a few different techniques to get out of head trash mode when I realize I’m there. One method that I use is my mala beads. With every bead I say something that I’m thankful for, there are 108 beads in a traditional mala. I don’t care if I repeat or reword things either, just “feel” thankful with everything you say. I have found that my head trash can’t keep up its rant when I have a grateful heart. The key is to feel, really FEEL being thankful when you recite each thing you are grateful for, feel it in your heart. Sometimes I will even put my hand over my heart when I do these.
You don’t need mala beads to do this either, I haven’t always used them and previously would just recite as many things as I could, and it worked just as well. Counting my blessings in this way has worked for me at all levels; it even works with high anxiety moments too.
Currently, I am working on remembering that I am perfect no matter what I do because all of us are. Damn, this is a HARD one for me! I don’t feel “perfect” let alone think I am LOL, Yet, it rings true to me at a soul level, so I am going for it. I do affirmations when I get caught up in paralyzing fear. I tell myself “Nothing can take away from who I am, I am perfect no matter what I do, I can choose to do whatever I want to experience knowing that doing it OR not doing it will not change my worth but only my experience.” This is the technique that I really want to master. I know it’s the truth deep down, but I want to feel it in my heart and soul. The fact is that I won’t be a more worthy person if I do X, Y or Z, and if I try to do it and it doesn’t work out, I won’t be less deserving or worthy either. I will, however, learn from the experience I had no matter if it worked out as intended or if I discovered that changes need to be made the next time. It doesn’t add or take away from who I am EVER.
I haven’t done this one in a while but am fixing that because I think it works well with the last concept of remembering your unwavering perfection. Wearing a mask; we each wear lots of different masks in all the roles we play in our lives. It’s a lot like changing hats, but I like the mask idea because I feel that a mask takes on, even more, characteristics that I want to emulate in the different roles I play in my life.
I am a loving mother who shows excitement in whatever delights my son. I am a companion that is sweet and a little sexy with my fiance. I am a retirement planner when it’s time for me to get real about money. I am also a business owner who needs to pay salaries and keep a business running efficiently. I can look at other people I admire in these roles and create a mask that I want to wear when I am in these roles within my life experience. The mask doesn’t change who I am at a soul level, but they help me create the experience I desire having, to fulfill the vision I had coming into each roll I choose to embody in my life.
What do you do when your head trash gets the best of you? How do you get centered in your reality once again? Have you tried any of these techniques?